When it rains….

We all have heard that saying…when it rains it pours..After a divorce, your life begins again.  You are forced to find your voice again, your likes and dislikes, which side of the bed you want to sleep on, spreading out your clothes in the closet to fill the gaps, for me also buying girlie items in the bathroom and spreading them around because I could!  At the beginning its all the logistical adjustments, the obvious adjustments, money, learning bills, routines, schedules, furniture, placement of items, working on making sure your kids are ok and adjusting etc.  When the dust settles of the long check off list of logistical necessities ends then “you” begin.  What I mean by “you” is the internal side of being once again alone.  Everyone and everything is running as best as possible and now you find the moment to check in with what do I want now?, how do I feel now?, where do I go from here?  You actually get to feel this all out if you let yourself that is.  Or some of us just plow through the feelings and make new logistic lists on top of the ones we already have.  Just when I was beginning to face my internal self, life happens.  My son displayed teenage issues of emotional struggles, friendship drama, school issues, dad issues that just got worse and worse, the list did not go away.  The amount of attention he now was requiring from me seemed to grow taller and more demanding each week.  I watched him fade away emotionally and retreat to being this silent, lonely, unmotivated boy that was breaking my heart.  Me?  I was finally doing great professionally, after working years and years of trying to for the first time in all my life be successful at something professionally I had felt I made it!  But for all that was great in that area of my life professionally, watching my son fade was the worse thing I could experience.  I had to do something, his dad minimally involved at best did more damage then help.  This person who is supposed to groom his son into feeling good, loved and teach him life skills was choosing his new girlfriend over his son each time.  My son would come  home broken, sad, anxious, angry from every visit with him and I had to pick up all his little broken heart pieces and help him put them back together.  I learned you can’t make anyone want to be anything or feeling anything or prioritize anything, as much as I wanted to give my son the father he truly wanted I could not.  My son,  has learned words are useless, promises are nothing, actions are everything.

So, I decided to pick up and move to LA.  Back to my so-cal roots I left my business, friends and some family.  I left what I knew for the last 10 years to begin again with my son.  I wanted to give him the chance to reboot himself, make friends (that he did not have), do better in school (because he was failing his classes) live in some sunshine instead of the cold grey Chicago winters.  Was I perfect in that decision? No.  Will it work? I don’t know.  But I decided I needed to do a drastic change to give him a reboot for a happier life that we did have control over.  I chose to focus on what I could do.

We have only been in LA for two months.  These last two months have been bitter sweet. Sweet because of the smile on my sons face and him saying “thank you for moving us here I love it”.  Bitter because it has been like an emotional colonoscopy for me.  I thought I had already had to prove how “strong” I was up until I moved….yeah right.

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