Will there every be a time where it feels “normal” or “routined” I ask myself daily. Maybe that is the routine, asking my self and hoping, wanting there to be days of no or little drama. By routine I mean can I have a day of everyone doing what they are supposed to? LOL that is funny, that will never happen I know this logically, but when your working on a thin layer EVERYTHING seems to be wrong and going against you. Is it really? Probably not. I’ve been sitting in yoga clothes since 8am thinking I can go take a yoga class this morning while my son is at school and in between working. Yeah, its 3pm now and still in the yoga clothes. I’ll self care a bit through my blog for a minute. I love when my son comes home from school and says “what did you do today? As if I lounged around and watched soap operas, are those still on by the way? hmmm. Anyway, the minute you think things are under control and running smooth I’ve learned there will always be a bump in the road. I can’t live expecting and trying to be proactive before the bumps head my way although I try constantly to prevent bumps from happening. I can’t, I know that so why do I keep trying to prevent them? When you are the mom, dad, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc etc every family member to your child, I think you try to compensate for all those roles by being vigilant of what could happen, what would another set of eyes do to help out? What should my son be learning, adapting or gaining that I’m not providing. I definitely feel the self induced pressure of being perfect and wanting to be everything I can to my son…but I can’t. I have to remind myself each day that whatever I did and will do tomorrow is the best that I’ve got. Do you see where the perfectly imperfect thing keeps popping up? Yeah, its been a ride! 🙂
We all have heard that saying…when it rains it pours..After a divorce, your life begins again. You are forced to find your voice again, your likes and dislikes, which side of the bed you want to sleep on, spreading out your clothes in the closet to fill the gaps, for me also buying girlie items in the bathroom and spreading them around because I could! At the beginning its all the logistical adjustments, the obvious adjustments, money, learning bills, routines, schedules, furniture, placement of items, working on making sure your kids are ok and adjusting etc. When the dust settles of the long check off list of logistical necessities ends then “you” begin. What I mean by “you” is the internal side of being once again alone. Everyone and everything is running as best as possible and now you find the moment to check in with what do I want now?, how do I feel now?, where do I go from here? You actually get to feel this all out if you let yourself that is. Or some of us just plow through the feelings and make new logistic lists on top of the ones we already have. Just when I was beginning to face my internal self, life happens. My son displayed teenage issues of emotional struggles, friendship drama, school issues, dad issues that just got worse and worse, the list did not go away. The amount of attention he now was requiring from me seemed to grow taller and more demanding each week. I watched him fade away emotionally and retreat to being this silent, lonely, unmotivated boy that was breaking my heart. Me? I was finally doing great professionally, after working years and years of trying to for the first time in all my life be successful at something professionally I had felt I made it! But for all that was great in that area of my life professionally, watching my son fade was the worse thing I could experience. I had to do something, his dad minimally involved at best did more damage then help. This person who is supposed to groom his son into feeling good, loved and teach him life skills was choosing his new girlfriend over his son each time. My son would come home broken, sad, anxious, angry from every visit with him and I had to pick up all his little broken heart pieces and help him put them back together. I learned you can’t make anyone want to be anything or feeling anything or prioritize anything, as much as I wanted to give my son the father he truly wanted I could not. My son, has learned words are useless, promises are nothing, actions are everything.
So, I decided to pick up and move to LA. Back to my so-cal roots I left my business, friends and some family. I left what I knew for the last 10 years to begin again with my son. I wanted to give him the chance to reboot himself, make friends (that he did not have), do better in school (because he was failing his classes) live in some sunshine instead of the cold grey Chicago winters. Was I perfect in that decision? No. Will it work? I don’t know. But I decided I needed to do a drastic change to give him a reboot for a happier life that we did have control over. I chose to focus on what I could do.
We have only been in LA for two months. These last two months have been bitter sweet. Sweet because of the smile on my sons face and him saying “thank you for moving us here I love it”. Bitter because it has been like an emotional colonoscopy for me. I thought I had already had to prove how “strong” I was up until I moved….yeah right.
Hello and welcome! A special shout out to all the single moms out there in the world! For so long since I was young I heard the term “single mom” and did not make much of it. I watched movies that had single mom stories in them, I had a friend in grade school who had a single mom and thought hmmm she is pretty and has a “different” life. I could never put my finger on what different meant as a kid. My own mother was a single mom for short periods of time in between her marriages but it still did not register to me what this single mom thing was, it was just another term. But then it happened…I became a single mom myself. After being married for 20 years I became that person, I became that “term” I had heard about, I became that “story” I saw in movies, I became one of millions of single moms in the world. My story has had and has highs and lows. I wanted to create a place that I can write about my life as a single mom to share, relate, support and grow as a single mom. The role as a single parent can be isolating, lonely, stressful and empowering all at once. Any emotion that is humanly possible to experience as a single mom these emotions are taken to another level at times beyond what I thought I can experience.
About me, like I mentioned I was married for 20 years, have one teenage son. Have been divorced for over three years now. I want to share my story partly to help other moms relate, support and ensure you that you are not alone! I am a psychotherapist as well but I made this blog as a mom not a therapist. This is where I will go to vent, give ideas, share tips, share accomplishments, laugh or cry.
Whether you are single because you divorced, you never married or however you are a single mom today I hope you can find the information I share helpful in someway sometimes. You may not always be able to relate and I may not always be everyone’s cup of tea, but that goes with the territory of the imperfect perfect single mom story.
I’ll see you soon!